Contemporary television seems to delight in pushing our buttons. With reality shows eating up so much airtime, we are invited to judge the everyday antics of real folk and get drawn into debates on who we like, who we don’t and who we would happily punch in the gob. It’s easy with these newborn celebrities who would often sell their granny for a cover of Heat magazine, but for most of them they’re just enjoying their fifteen minutes of fame – unlike the scripted roles. With free reign to create the most extreme characters, television writers can out-do all reality stars by producing the most annoying, frustrating and downright exasperating creatures. These people might be entirely fictitious but that doesn’t stop them from making your teeth grind and your neck twitch just be simply watching them.
And so here is my list of TV neighbours from hell. I would thank God (if I thought there was one) that I don’t have any of these fictional characters living next door to me. For life in such close proximity to these people would be one of torture and anguish. I would have to move house, as simple as that.
The Slaters (Eastenders) Now thankfully their numbers have dwindled, but when new to the Square, the Slaters could strike fear in the hearts of all that met them. With a love of shouting they bounced around Albert Square, hollering at anyone that came within 30 metres. As neighbours they would be noisy, forget to put out the rubbish on the right day and bang doors at all hours. Sound proofing all the way.
Janice (Friends) In one episode, Chandler and Monica feared they would be living next door to motor-mouth Janice until Chandler negotiated a clever plan. I can’t even begin to imagine the 24/7 terror of such a thing. Having no escape from that foghorn voice, that evil cackle, all that animal print clothing. How many times a day would you hear her shriek “Oh my God!” Prison would be a nicer option.
Frank Spencer (Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em) Your house would be destroyed and you would feel like a bitch for blaming someone who obviously can’t help it. Insurance would be essential.
The entire family (Malcolm in the Middle) Much as I love watching this sitcom, day to day co-existence with this clan would be a living hell. They are all trouble individually with Reese’s penchant for thoughtless violence, Malcolm’s whining, Hal’s whimsical silliness and Lois’ terrifying bellow. The boys wreck havoc wherever they go and being within easy reach would mean water balloons, nappy catapults and other nastiness. Their garden is a barren wasteland and they would happily do the same to anyone else’s. Run.
Hyacinth Bucket (Keeping up Appearances) That sing-song voice, that snobbery, that desperate need to be considered middle-class and affluent. Just thinking about Patricia Routledge with her hat and gloves on, bossing around husband Richard, patronising her family and trying to impress her neighbours makes my teeth itch. Living next door to her would be a living nightmare, let alone being invited to one of her infamous ‘candlelight suppers’. Argh!
Tom Barnaby (Midsomer Murders) Unlike the other neighbours from hell, the inclusion of everyone’s favourite former Jersey-set detective John Nettles is nothing personal. No, he and his family are lovely folk that would probably baby-sit your kids at short notice or help with some hedge-trimming. But it’s his location. How big can Midsomer be to contain so many horrific murders? Don’t let the quaint garden fetes and Women’s Institute meetings fool you – this place is a ghetto. Around every turn is a criminal, be it in the local pub or the post office. Midsomer clearly has no neighbourhood watch scheme. Beware.
The post My TV neighbours from hell appeared first on TVScoop.
